This is one small step for... errrrr??????

I'm getting fed up with all this patronising shit about Bruce Jenner. Fair enough, he wants to dress as a woman, have a woman's name, get the lady parts, generally be a woman. Carry on, mate, but just one thing... YOU'RE A MAN, YOU'RE BIOLOGICALLY A MAN, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A MAN.
I want to be a cosmonaut but I never will be. I can buy all the gear, I can get all the airbrushed photos made up I like. I could buy badges and certificates and claim I'm a pilot and all sorts of shit... but I'm never going to space and never will.
So crack on supporting Caitlyn, but don't get up my nose trying to show what a great person and how liberal you are. Oh, and remember, he's still a he!

P.s I am batman though!

Waitrose? More like Wankrose!

Funny how the least interesting people have the loudest voices.
As I was in its neck of the woods (I went Go Outdoors to buy some trainers for my Spartan run next week. Yeah, I'm great) I thought I'd pop into Waitrose for a spot of lunch. Aren't rich people cunts! If it wasn't some posh old sod in a Pokemon hoody invading my personal space in the queue, it was some spoilt, scrawny, plum-voiced,  bellend in a bobble hat, vaping and talking absolute dross about how easy it is to build a wall to his jodhpur wearing, lady muck, mum. Every other word was either "fucking" or "literally", it was really tainting my burger, chips and pot of tea (£9.95). This guy was quite literally a fucking arsehole. I had to tell him to mind his p's and q's or I'd batter him with his fish and chips (£8.95). I asked his mum if it was her son and why she let's him speak like a little yob, we're not in Yates' Wine lodge now. They soon left.
It was a cacophony of deafening braggards. I'd definitely go again though, posh people are excellent to watch, their heads are so far up their own arses, their ears are already full of shit so they have to speak up to hear the extra shit coming out of their mouths. It's a vicious cycle!

P.s the guy in the bobble hat passed his driving theory test fourth time of asking and his mum drove a 52 plate Peugeot 206. Make of that, what you will......... TOSSERS!!!!

That's all I can stands, I can't stands no more!

Hooray, it's 'International Dance Day' today, finally!!! Walking down any busy street is ideal for practicing the "foxtrot oscar" for this glorious day of days.
CHRIST! How annoying is it having to dance down a busy street because the majority of pedestrians can't be arsed to pay attention and are too engrossed in Angry Birds?! Would you walk down the street reading a book? Would you walk down the street backwards? Would you walk down the street on just your hands? No? Really? Is that because you possibly couldn't see where you were going? Then why do I have to change my line of path to accommodate your shitty game of Candy Crush Saga? You selfish, ignorant, toss-rag.
I actually hope you get run over by a steamroller, driven by a shark, with AIDS... unless you're reading this. FUCK!!!

Letters from ME-OW Jima!

Basically a collection of emails I've written to various companies when I feel aggrieved by their service for some reason or other... which is most of the time! Also some screenshots from when I've tried, and usually succeeded in, winding someone up on the Facebook, for shits and giggles, like.
Gutted that I must've deleted the ones to West Cornwall Pasty Company, I was flirting outrageously with the lady dealing with me, at least I think it was a lady, Derek's a lady's name, right?! I got three free large pasties and any drink of my choice for that one, all for being overcharged. I try to keep them lighthearted, so hopefully, even though I'm complaining, the person reading it is having a little chuckle. It must be quite depressing working in Customer Services dealing with pricks like me all day. Still, that's no reason not to complain! Power to the people!

EE bah gum, I say EE bah gum that's a bit crap, lad!

Remember when phones were real phones, you could count on them back in the day. You didn't go a week without reading a story in the redtops about someone using their phone as a cricket bat in a bar room brawl. I'm pretty sure the Nokia 3310 wiped out the dinosaurs!
Those days are long gone, you only have to have garlic on your pizza for lunch and that's enough to shatter the screen when you speak into it. I dropped mine from about a foot yesterday and it stopped working.
What an awesome service by EE, I've already got the replacement. I'm still complaining though, I've nearly finished the email as you read this. Bring back borstal I say!

Feels like I'm in Labour... but the only thing being delivered is shit!

Usually, when I get junk mail, I rip it up, stick it in the prepaid envelope and post it back 'whence it came'. Spam's a bit different though, I wonder if this works...

Jamelia opened a can of worms... and the fatties ate them all!

Why all the brouhaha? Oh yeah, because 64% of the UK's population are now chubby funsters. That's a majority. It's similar to the shit storm that surrounded Jamie Oliver when he had the audacity to try and get schools to make their school dinners healthier. When Jamelia said dumplings should be made to feel uncomfortable when they're shopping for clothes, she obviously didn't mean for someone to follow them around the store with a pointy stick shouting abuse through a loud-hailer.
Why are lard-arses so sensitive?
Listen, Fat Albert, stop moaning like a beached whale, cut down on the sugar, carbs, kebabs and fizzy drinks. Leave the mobility scooter in the garage, and use the pizza-stained sports attire your fat arse stretched out of shape for what it was originally intended... exercising, it's made for exercising. DON'T WEAR LYCRA!!!

P.s what cunty chops Katie Hopkins said this week was infinitely worse!